


Never to Despair

by Aurumite



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken
Genre: F/M, Family Death, Found Family, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-16 12:36:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5829220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aurumite/pseuds/Aurumite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the cargo hold of the ship, Ninian could not feel the rocking that wrung her stomach. The rich smell of citrus from a crate of oranges overpowered the more unpleasant scent of death—for now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never to Despair

**Author's Note:**

> Transferred over from ff.net from forever ago. It's been edited just a tad.

In the cargo hold of the ship, Ninian could not feel the rocking that wrung her stomach. It was dark and messy down there, piled with boxes of goods the pirates had stolen and the armour and equipment of her new comrades, to keep them out of the sea air. The rich smell of citrus from a crate of oranges overpowered the more unpleasant scent of death—for now. 

The long wooden box in the middle of the hold was too conspicuous, laid there only the day before. It was a little shy of six feet, they'd found out when they finally made it to the ship and had to find a place to put the body. Lord Eliwood had been very strong throughout the journey back, all rigid shoulders and high chin, until Lord Hector had to snap the corpse’s neck to the side to fit him into the only vessel on board that could possibly suffice. 

“Father!” he’d cried at the sickening _crack_. 

Ninian believed Lady Lyndis held him while he wept and Hector shoved the top of the box down. She couldn’t be sure because that was when she’d taken Nils’s hand and led him off, before either of them got sick. 

This was their second day at sea now, and the words burning in her belly like dragon-fire couldn't be ignored any longer. Her brother was suffering. She was suffering. Eliwood was suffering worst of all. He deserved her condolences, especially since she could understand better than anyone. 

He was on his knees before the not-quite-long box, resting his head against its unsanded edge. He did not move. Perhaps he was praying, and to avoid interrupting, she simply watched him for a long while. 

His looks had surprised her, at first. He was handsome. She supposed she should have known, because Elbert was handsome, but she could not remember anything from the day Eliwood had first saved her, over a year ago. He was also tall, though his father always spoke about him like he was such a small thing. 

She missed Elbert already, so badly that her heart swelled and pushed tears into her eyes, even though she'd only known him for the barest fraction of her life. He had always been so calm and controlled through whatever Nergal put them through. When Nils would start to tremble and cry, to  _break_ , Elbert would put his large, steady hands on his shoulders and say, 

"Men may weep, but they may not despair. And you are a man, aren't you? Not a boy?" 

Nils would clench his fists and look at Ninian and take deep breaths. "I am a man. Like you. I am." 

And occasionally, when Ninian was exhausted but unable to sleep on the hard floor in her bony human body, Elbert would take one of those same strong hands and slide it under her ear, lifting up her head. 

"Sleep well, my dear," he'd say, and somehow she would, cheek cushioned in his palm, even though the pressure surely ground his knuckles into the stone. 

He never had a daughter, he would tell her. He almost lost Eleanora in the birthing bed, and was too scared to risk the love of his life again. So even though Eliwood was sickly, they had not tried for another child, and resolved not to unless they lost their first. And in time, Eleanora recovered from all the bleeding and weakness and bouts of sadness, and Eliwood grew: out of his dizzy spells, out of his allergies, out of his freckles, until he was nearly as hardy as Marquess Uther's younger brother. So there was no daughter for Pherae. 

"But if there were," Elbert said, after she’d wept on the stone floor— _He’s in my head, Lord Elbert, he’s always in my head, make him let me go, make him stop, Elbert—_ "I’d hoped that she would be as strong as you."

Such torture, in those days. Staring dead-eyed at the wall while Nils stroked her hair and Elbert spoke to her of strength.

She did not feel strong as she watched Eliwood, kneeling before the wooden box like he could still put his head in his father's lap. She had things to tell him, important things, but what if he needed to be alone? Lord Hector and Lady Lyndis had left him alone. 

But they couldn't understand as she did. Elbert had not been a father to them.

"Lord Eliwood," she finally ventured. 

"Yes?" 

He sounded tired and didn't turn to see her, so she walked into the edge of his peripheral vision. Not too close. 

"I just wanted to say,” she murmured, “that Lord Elbert was very brave. Not just at the end, but the entire time we were prisoners.”

Eliwood lifted his head from the box and looked at her, then. Though his cheeks were salt-tracked, his eyes were dry. Perhaps he would be able to hear all she had to give, however painful, so she continued: 

“He infuriated Nergal. He bore torture without screaming and insults without retorting. Each day he behaved nobly—sometimes even cheerfully. And he was so strong for Nils and I. Without him, I’m sure we would have gone mad. I just wanted to tell you, in case it eased your mind at all. You would have been very proud of him.” 

She saw the hard swallow travel down his long throat. “Thank you, Ninian. I wish he could be here to say the same of me.” A heavy beat, and then: “I tarried one moment too long.”

“No,” she said, horrified. “This isn’t your fault.” 

“We had almost reached you. If I had just pushed the army a little harder, marched _one_ day for a little longer, I could have saved him.”

“Lord Eliwood,” she insisted, “Nergal was going to kill him no matter what. It was a wonder that your lord father survived for as long as he did. Sometimes I think that when Nergal heard you were coming, he delayed the process. So that you would see him hurting.” 

Tears stung her eyes again at the thought. Hector had been the one to pry Eliwood off of the still-soft corpse, chin dripping tears, while Nils bit his lip until it bled.  _(And you are a man, aren’t you? Not a boy?)_

“You are kind to try,” said Eliwood, “but nothing you say can lift my guilt. I loved my father, and now he is in Paradise with the shame of explaining to Saint Elimine that his son failed him.” 

“He thought the world of you, my lord. Nothing you could ever do would be a failure, to him. Nils and I used to sit there for hours and he would tell us all about you. He spoke about your first words or the first time you bested Lord Hector in a spar like you had conquered nations.” She paused a little at the realization that she knew nearly everything about him without knowing _him_ at all. “He always said he was proud of the man you were becoming.” 

His jaw clenched and he blinked hard. “Are these empty words?” 

“No. I would never lie to you.” 

A long pause settled between them. Ninian almost turned and left before he said, oddly bitter, “He taught me to never lie, as well. It is a curse.  _Everyone_ lies, and I am unprepared.”

“You are like him,” she corrected gently. “You are walking a greater path.” 

He said nothing, and returned his attention to the box.

“I will leave you in peace, now. I'm so sorry for disturbing you. I just wanted you to know.”

“Thank you.” 

She bent and took his hand to kiss it—for he had saved her, once again, and she did not yet know how much she owed him—but the feel, the shape of his fingers and knuckles drew a gasp from her mouth. He had his father’s hands exactly. Warm and alive, a slow pulse where one fingertip met his wrist. Her tears reached his skin before her lips. 

He was looking at her again. The cool brittleness in his eyes was gone, replaced with something much warmer and deeper and more fluid. Her knees hit the wooden floor as he pulled her down, into his arms. 

“Oh, Ninian. Forgive me. You loved him, too.” 

“I did.” 

“I’m being selfish, mourning like I’m the only one who has lost something. You and Nils both must be suffering terribly. And after you’ve already suffered so much, at his side.”

She shook her head hard against his shoulder. “He always took the worst of everything, for us. He always promised that everything would be all right; made us believe him.” 

She took a deep breath but it didn't stop her weeping. Eliwood just held her silently until she’d finished, and silently for a while after. 

“Thank you for being there with him,” he said, pulling back. “At least he was not alone, in his last few days.” 

She only studied his face, and then gingerly touched his cheek. 

_I'm so worried for you._ Her lips froze before she could say it. How was it her place? He had saved her life twice now, and even if he had not made it in time to save Elbert, at least the marquess had died at peace, sheltered in his son’s arms. But she herself was useless. Good only for resisting Nergal, and how long would that last? 

“Ninian?”

“My lord,” she managed, “he always told us that it was all right to weep, but never to despair.” 

He shut his eyes, understanding, and placed a hand over hers. Both his palm and his cheek were warm against her. 

“I must admit that I have been,” he said softly. “And I find I can not stop. But I will not let it stop me, either. I will not rest until Nergal is brought to justice and Father has a real reason to be proud of me.” 

“Then I pledge myself to you,” she said, “so that I can do the same. I can not fight, but I’ll help however I can.” 

His eyes opened again in confusion. “That isn’t necessary. I assumed that you and Nils would part ways with us as soon as we docked. I shan’t hold you both as vassals just because I happened to be the one to help you; you’ve both been through quite enough.” 

“I will help,” she insisted. “I want Nergal stopped. I want Lord Elbert at peace. He was—” It felt too impertinent to say, but it had to be said. She had to make him understand. “He was the closest thing I’ve ever had to a father.” 

They both froze. She dropped her eyes and pulled her hand away from his face. 

“Of course he was,” Eliwood murmured after a moment, which made her look back up. “Of course he was, if you loved him. So you and I...we'll have to find solace, somehow.” 

She was quiet for a moment, letting him think, before she ventured the idea she heard from Brother Lucius: “I want to believe that he lives on, with all the other great men. That he feels no pain, but can still think back and love you and your lady mother.” 

“I want to believe that, too,” Eliwood said. “Perhaps you are right, and he does not even feel any shame. And I’m sure he loves you, too. How could he not?” 

The half-smile Eliwood offered her was entirely his own, too soft and hesitant to be Elbert’s, but he was looking at her the same way his father always had. Like she was brave and wise and full of worth. 

“I suppose I should leave you,” she said as her eyes dropped again. 

“Don’t, please. Let’s stay until we’re both ready to go.” 

She did not know any prayers to the Elibian gods, and Eliwood did not speak his aloud, so she prayed to her own in silence for a long while. Just in case. They both seemed to finish grieving for the moment at the same time, and sighed in tandem. Eliwood rose first and offered her a hand up. 

“Shall we check on your brother?” 

_We._ She had just touched her palm to his when Nils’ voice shrieked, and that jolted her to her feet. 

The pounding of feet set her heart thumping, but it faded when Nils sprinted into view with a smile on his face. It was almost unfamiliar; when had he last smiled? Heavier footsteps revealed Lord Hector chasing after him with a similar grin: 

“And when I catch you—”

“Never!” 

“I’m throwing you off the side of this bloody ship! That’s what you get for stealing my orange!”

Nils and Hector both came to an abrupt stop when they saw Ninian and Eliwood and seemed to realize where they were. She watched Nils’ eyes hood themselves with guilt. Playing chase, while Lord Elbert was broken in a box? 

“We got carried away,” Hector muttered, but Eliwood smiled gently. 

“Your timing is good. We were just about to head up. Are you feeling all right, then, Nils?” 

He nodded uncomfortably, but Ninian put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed lightly until she felt him relax. 

“Stealing oranges?” she asked. He showed her the fruit clenched in one hand. 

“Lyn and I made up a game,” Hector explained, “on the way here, before we dragged you out of that boat. Whoever has the orange is the target and we chase them all over ship. The winner gets to eat it. Fargus hates it, but it keeps the boredom away.” 

“Foolishly,” said Eliwood. He took the orange out of Nils’s hand and brushed past Hector. “I’m sure you’re causing trouble for the crew.”

“Well, we can’t all mourn forever.” 

Ninian covered her mouth with a hand, but Eliwood only shrugged. 

“I’m sure you’d rather me down here, since I beat you at everything.”

“Hey, what—blast! _You_ have it!” 

Hector began to chase him, but Eliwood was already running.  Ninian was too stunned to even attempt to follow. Both lords clambered up to the deck and silence rang in their wake. Nils slid his now-free hand into hers.

“I suppose I am not behaving like a man,” he said after a long moment. “Playing silly games instead of praying.” 

“I think,” she said, “you are behaving exactly as he wished you could.” 

They both turned and looked at the box. Slowly, slowly, it was becoming less memory and more wood as the hours passed. 

“I suppose he was right,” she said. “Everything turned out just fine.” 

“For now.” 

“For always,” she said. “We’re safe now.” 

“You promise?” 

“I do. I will make it so.” 

Nils let go of her hand and she followed him back up to the deck, already smiling at the fluttering crimson of Eliwood’s cape as he threw a clean ribbon of a peel over Hector’s head and into the ocean. The salty spray was refreshing against her face. Eliwood pressed a quarter of the fruit into her hand. 

“For strength,” he said. “To put up with us.” 

“I shan’t need it,” she said. But Eliwood put his portion into his mouth, and Hector and Nils divided the other half, so she ate her slices too, because they were sweet. 

 


End file.
